Sunday, August 28, 2016

Social Anxiety

I went to a party last night, run through a Meetup group.  It was an absolutely fantastic party!  A ton of people attended, and everyone was talking and laughing and having a great time!  I had a blast!  Saw a bunch of friends, and made some new ones!  And the party was amazing for another reason.  More awe inspiring than any other party I’ve ever attended!  Because this party was run by a Meetup group for people with social anxiety and shyness!

I personally am extremely lucky and do not have to deal with social anxiety to a great extent.  I can feel comfortable talking to people, even to those I don’t know … most of the time.  So you may wonder why I’m in this Meetup group to begin with.  Well, the organizers and the members are absolutely fantastic people, who are warm and genuine.  People who are some of my closest friends.  Plus, they have the most amazing events!  It’s got to be one of the best Meetup groups on Meetup.com!  And this endorsement is coming from me, as someone who runs her own Meetup group (which is pretty awesome too).

Now, I said I don’t have to deal with social anxiety to any great extent.  But does that mean I don’t have social anxiety at all?  No, it doesn’t.  I believe that everyone has social anxiety, but some just have more of it than others.  Every one of us can remember a time where we were going to have to go somewhere or meet with some people, and we were at least a little bit nervous about it.  We were afraid that we wouldn’t be accepted or that we may make ourselves look foolish.  We may have had to do a presentation for work or some other reason and were scared of getting up there, and our palms started to sweat or we got a little shaky.  Even that little bit is social anxiety. 

But for those who really have to deal with SA, it is a million times more frightening!  It can feel like they can’t get a breath in.  Like their heart is going to explode in their chests.  It can be paralyzing.

I did a little research, and I found that there are quite a number of famous people who you’d never guess had SA.  People like Emma Stone, Jennifer Lawrence, Barbra Streisand, John Steinbeck.  Even Abraham Lincoln suffered from severe anxiety!  The list goes on and on!  But, look at all that these people accomplished!!

I was looking around that party last night, and I was amazed!  Not only with how all these individuals had pushed their own limits, and challenged themselves to do something that can feel like they are actually going to die.  But that everyone was so accepting of all the others there.  And when one person would see someone walking around with that “deer in the headlights” look of pure fear, so afraid that they might have bolted for the door at any second, someone would go over, say hello, and bring them into a conversation!  It was not only a party, but a giant therapy session!

Like I said earlier, I believe that every one of us suffers from SA.  It’s just the extent of it that varies for each individual.  I believe that it is something that can be worked on, but will never fully go away.  Because if someone doesn’t go out and challenge themselves on a continual basis to not let SA take over their lives, it will slowly (or not so slowly) creep back in to be all-consuming.  But with work (yes, it’s work) and a great support network, like the group I am so glad I joined, people with severe SA can feel more comfortable with themselves and with others and go out and enjoy their lives!  They can realize that they are valued, and that they have so much to offer to others as well!


I just wish that more people who are lucky enough to not suffer from severe SA were able to interact with those who do in an environment like this Meetup group.  Because I think that sometimes we put unfair labels on those who suffer from SA.  They may be considered rude or snobby by those who don’t know that SA is in play here.  That it’s like climbing Everest for them to open up and even smile, when inside they feel that paralyzing pressure of anxiety.  So next time, before you judge, remember that you have no clue what is going on in that person’s head, heart and life.  Be kind to yourself, and be kind to others!!

Sunday, August 21, 2016

It’s like walking a tight rope! Such a thin line!

I am in the process of job hunting.  As a huge favor, someone I work with sat down with me to go over my LinkedIN account, my resume, discuss networking strategies, and to help me prepare for interviewing.  It’s not as if I haven’t done the whole job search thing in the past, but it’s been a few years, and refreshers are always helpful. 

He gave me a number of great suggestions!  One of which was to have 2 “elevator pitches” of varied lengths ready.  For those who don’t know this term, it means that if you had to “sell yourself” in the time it takes to ride up in an elevator with someone, what would you say?  He suggested in addition to the traditional quick two minute version, to also have one that is a tiny bit longer.  The five minute pitch.

I actually had a former employer look at his watch at the start of the interview and say to me “Ok, I’ve got 5 minutes.  Why should I hire you?”  I had a great response, even though I hadn’t been prepared for this interview technique.  At least I think my response was great, because I got the job.  Of course, after my quick elevator pitch, he went on to interview me for another 20 minutes, and then I had to come back for 4 more interviews with other people at the company.  But eventually, I did get the job.

Thinking about this “elevator pitch” made me think about how to do this and sound confident, but yet, not cocky!  It’s a really thin line between these two.  While you may think you’re coming across as confident, you could accidentally end up appearing cocky.  I honestly don’t think that people actually TRY to come across as cocky.  Although there may be some who do.

Then, of course, because my mind sometimes has a very strong stream-of-consciousness going on, I started thinking about the online dating profiles that I am having OH SO MUCH FUN reading!  There was one that was sooooo cocky that the guy even admitted in his profile that he is cocky.  He said he may “appear arrogant and unattainable”, but that’s because he is.  I actually laughed out loud when I read this!  And not in a good way.  This guy had been the one to contact me, trying to establish some kind of connection.  So, I have to admit, it was a bit of an ego boost that I ranked high enough to be considered worthy of his attention.  (can you hear my eyes roll from there?)  But when I read that, I immediately was turned off!  BIG TIME!! 

Because I was thinking about how to appear confident and not cocky in an interview, I started to look through more dating profiles to see how someone can tread that thin line, and not cross over to the cocky side.  And I’m telling you, it’s not an easy line to traverse!  Not only does it depend on what YOU say, but also how you say it, and on the mood and general attitude of the recipient.  Are they in a good mood?  Do they have a sense of humor?  Or are they a very straight-laced kind of person?  Did they possibly have a rough day?  Have they dealt with self-absorbed jerks in the past and just have no time to put up with that kind of crap?

It made me wonder how my elevator pitch that I gave at that one interview actually worked.  Now that I think back on it, it could have totally backfired.  I did come across a bit cocky.  Thankfully, my boss (future boss at the time) was a bit cocky himself and he appreciated that approach.


All this thinking I’m doing on this subject tells me is that I need to do a lot of drafting and practicing before I head into the interview scene.  I will probably videotape myself doing my elevator pitches, to try also read the facial expressions I use and my body language.  That also plays a huge part.  Something said with a little bit of a smile comes across a lot different than if it’s said completely straight faced!  Or with a smirky kind of smile.  That can make what you say come across more on the cocky side.  

Ugh!  So much to think about!!  But I’m CONFIDENT that I can do this!!

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Three rules to get through life!

When I was a kid, my Mom told me that there are three rules to follow to get through life. 

#1 – Never buy an expensive umbrella.  It will only get broken by some gust of wind, or you’ll end up losing it.

#2 – Never buy expensive sunglasses.  You will lose them, or they’ll get scratched or break.

#3 – Never sit on a public toilet seat.  This one really requires no explanation.

I’ve actually followed all of these rules!  And so far, I’m getting through life!  Thanks Mom!

Everyone has their list ... man, "lists" keep coming up in a lot of my topics!  I think I have some sort of list addiction! ... sorry, I digress … Everyone has their list of things that they will never do, or things that they must always do.  Where do these ideas of never or always come from?  Did everyone’s Mom pass on these gems?

I’ve come up with a few other “never” things that I am going to add to my Mom’s list.  I actually think these “rules” are even more important than my Mom’s rules.  Well, maybe not more important than never sitting on a public toilet seat!  Seriously, just don’t do that!!!

1.                   Never be so concerned that something has the right “label” or “brand name”.  In junior high school, all the girls were wearing designer jeans.  I wanted to do the same.  I begged my Mom!  She was shocked by the price tag, but finally gave in and got me a pair of designer jeans.  And I wore them with so much pride!  

But, was it really so necessary to have them?  I could argue both sides.  No, it wasn’t.  Non-name brand jeans would have kept me clothed just as well, and would not have been as expensive.  But yes, it was.  Because having those jeans was one more step towards fitting in.  And in junior high, that is the highest priority.  Now, that’s a whole other blog to write, about fitting in and the consequences of not doing so.  So, we’ll just leave it at that for now.  But as an adult, I know that the label or the brand name doesn’t really matter. Well, at least it doesn’t matter most of the time.  Which brings me to ….

2.                   Never be so concerned about getting something that is not the more expensive name brand, that you end up losing quality.  While I will definitely try to buy the “store” brand of certain things, because they are a LOT less expensive for the same exact thing, there are certain things that are just not as good or as high quality.  So it’s a thin line to walk, between not being concerned about the brand name/label and being concerned that you may be sacrificing quality.

And this last one is most important!!!

3.                   NEVER WORRY MORE ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK OF YOU, THAN WHAT YOU THINK OF YOURSELF!!! This one actually gets a lot easier as we get older.  But if I could pass this jewel on to someone younger, and they followed this advice, it would make me so happy! 

Personally, I have always tried to live my life in a way that keeps others in mind.  Meaning, that I try to not do things that are selfish, or could hurt someone else (definitely not physically, but also not emotionally either).  But at the same point, if I do choose to do something or act some way that isn’t going to have a negative effect, yet may get me made fun of or thought of in a “non-popular” way  … I don’t care!  I am going to have fun, I am going to be true to myself, and I am not going to give a rat’s ass if someone else has too many hang-ups of their own to be able to appreciate my joy! 

Remember, you’re the only one that has to spend 24/7 with you.  So you better make sure to be happy with who you are!!  If you stop to think about this, and can’t say that you are happy with YOU … make the changes necessary to become happy!! 

Stop trying to make your family happy, your friends happy, and definitely stop trying to please strangers!  I’m not saying go out of your way to make anyone miserable.  But make sure you, yourself, are happy first.  Because, like the line from one of my favorite Alter Bridge songs goes … “How can you love someone, and not yourself?”


So go out there, buy cheap umbrellas and sunglasses, never sit on a public toilet seat, and BE TRUE TO YOURSELF AND TO WHAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY!!

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Act your age, not your shoe size!

When I was a kid I always found it funny when other kids would use that taunt with me.  Acting my shoe size when I was around 10 years old wasn’t really an insult.  See, I have REALLY small feet, and back then, my shoe size was a 13 (little kids size).  Back then, someone saying to me, “Act your age, not your shoe size!” meant I was acting 13 years old!  Older than I actually was.

But now that I am older, even though my shoe size is still rather small (just barely adult size), I wonder what it means to “act your age”?  Is there a specific way that I’m supposed to act now?  Are there things that I’m not allowed to do now that I’m older?  What would happen if I do something that only a 30 year old is “allowed” to do?  Or something only allowed when you’re in your 20s?  Do the “age appropriate police” come by and give me a summons?  Do I get charged as an “adult” in “younger adult” court?  Is there a list out there somewhere that would tell me what I should or should not be doing at a particular age? 

At this point in my life, I have friends of all ages.  Well, not kids or teens.   But I have friends in their 20’s, 30s, 40, and on up.  We all seem to have enough in common to have a good time and enjoy hanging out.  I think the saying “age is just a number” may be correct.  I don’t think it’s necessarily someone’s age that will define the things they like to do or how mature they act.  I know plenty of people my age or older who are extremely immature!  And I know some people much younger than I am who are already acting like old fuddy-duddies!  For the most part, I think people act like an average of all ages!

With me personally, even when I was younger, I wasn’t the type that wanted to just go to a crowded bar to “hang out”, standing around with a drink in your hand, waiting for some guy to come talk to you.  Maybe because I’m short and being in a crowded bar, all I’m seeing are people’s armpits!  But make that a dance club and I was there!  I still would be there.  I love to dance!!  Get the music playing, and I’m gonna be shaking my boo-tay!

When I was younger, I loved doing things that gave me an adrenaline rush!  Roller coasters, flying trapeze, riding on motorcycles and even planning to go sky diving one day.  Then, back in 2009 I had a little accident and a large injury.  I went through 2 surgeries and almost 9 months of physical therapy!  And it definitely has had an effect on my ability to do certain physical things to this day.  Not that I let that stop me.  But it also had an influence on my feelings about doing things that are a bit risky.  But that has nothing to do with my age.  That only happened after the injury.  

Now I don’t think I’ll ever jump out of a plane (unless it’s going down, and I am forced to eject).  Yet, I still LOVE roller coasters and other adrenaline inducing things.  I don’t think that will ever change.  Not even when I’m 95!  But now, I do get a bit more nervous about doing these things. Not that it stops me, it’s just now it makes me think first … and then I do it anyway!

So, what does “acting my age” look like?  What is it that I’m supposed to be doing or not be doing now that I am older?  If I start to “act my age”, won’t that just make me age more quickly?  Because we are all getting older.  We have no control over that, and the alternative sucks. But does that mean we need to get older in all ways?  Do we need to act older?  

If that's what it means, then I may just have to break the rules!  Because I don’t feel the age I am now and I sure as shineola won’t be acting the way people expect someone my age to act!  But, I probably won’t be acting my shoe size either!