This is not your living room!!

This is a public service announcement for those who ride public transportation.  The train, bus, ferry or whatever form of shared public transportation you take is not … I repeat … NOT YOUR LIVING ROOM!!

I cannot tell you how often I have been on the subway and rolled my eyes or shook my head at people acting like they are in the privacy of their own homes. 

How many times have I seen women putting on their makeup on the train?  Way too many times to count, and way too many times to be ignored!  Your elbow practically hitting me in the face as you try to swab on your mascara while sitting next to me is not my idea of a morning commute!!  The powder you’re dusting all over your face … guess what?  It’s also landing on my shoulder!  Seriously, it takes all of 10 minutes at most to put on your makeup at home.  So, come on now, wake up 10 minutes earlier and get ready in your own bathroom or at your own vanity mirror!!  Believe me, those extra ten minutes of sleep aren’t doing you enough good to annoy everyone around you on the subway!

Another thing to NOT do on public transportation … eating!  Having your morning coffee on the train is ok, I guess.  Although I’d prefer you do that either at home or when you get to work.  But, as long as you don’t have an over-filled cup that keeps splashing onto me, I’ll let it slide.  And that is also as long as you have a good grip on it!  Because if you drop it and it lands on me … you’re gonna be paying my dry cleaning costs! 

I’ll accept the occasional candy bar.  Not the type that crumbles, though.  More than that … not acceptable. 

That bag of greasy Micky-D McNuggets that you are pulling from … not only is the grease smell gross, but now all that grease is covering your fingers!  And seeing you wipe your hands on your jeans … well, no words… simply no words!!  And Oh My God… do not touch the pole with those grease-covered fingers!!

If you go the “healthy” route, thinking it’s going to be ok to eat that yummy, juicy apple … guess what?!  With every bite you take, apple juice sprays on to everyone around you!  And it’s just so not attractive to see it dripping down your chin, which you then clean away with your sleeve.  Plus, your smacking gums can sometimes be heard over the music coming through my headphones, as I try to drown out rude people like you.

The potato chips … I get the greasy crumbs in MY lap while you eat them sitting next to me.  Same goes for the “breakfast” bar crumbs. 

The other day I was sitting next to a woman who pulled out a container of oatmeal that she had brought from home.  She then proceeded to mush it, tap it, spoon some up, shake some of what she put on the spoon off, tap again, put more on the spoon, a little less, uh oh, too much less, a little more, just a touch less … eat.  This was with EVERY mouthful!!!   And she was doing all this mushing, tapping, on, off, on, off, tap, on, tap, off, etc. with the arm that was on my side, so she kept hitting into me with every move!  Thankfully it was just a small container of oatmeal and not a Swanson Hungry Man Dinner!!

Another thing that should be saved for when you are home … nail care!!  Do not clip, file or paint your nails while on the subway!  Ok, so you snagged your nail on something, and you pull out the file and QUICKLY (the important qualifier being QUICKLY) file it down so it doesn’t snag on anything else.  That one I’ll give you.  But just because you have the file out … the other 9 nails don’t need the same attention!  And clipping?!  Um, no!  Just NO NO NO NO NO!!!  Nail polish?  Again, a big fat NOOOOO!  That smells a million times worse to people than those McNuggets!!  It’s an enclosed space.  So, unless you ask EVERY SINGLE PERSON on the car (or who will enter the car for the next 10 minutes, since the smell lingers) if they are ok with you doing your nails … don’t!

Another thing that people do on public transportation as if it were their living room … spreading!  You paid for a ride.  ONE ride.  That payment entitles you to get on, maybe to even get a seat, if you’re lucky.  What it doesn’t entitle you to is to spread!  Unless you paid twice, your bag doesn’t get a seat! This no-spread rule also includes your legs … sorry guys, but NOBODY is THAT big down there!  And don’t roll your eyes and suck at your teeth when you’re asked to scootch over a bit to allow someone to have a full seat, while you had previously spread to take up one and a half.

And seriously … GET YOUR FEET OFF THE FURNITURE!!  That may be allowed in your home, because at home, you’re probably (hopefully) not putting your feet up on the couch while your shoes are still on!  And it’s not allowed on public transportation either, where others have to sit where you shoes … which have walked through who the heck knows what … have been!  And this goes for the little kids too!  Yeah, your kid wants to look out the window, yeah it’s going to keep him distracted and entertained.  So you let them stand on the seat to do that.  Guess what, your kid is also stepping in stuff I don’t want to be sitting on when I take that seat after you get off!

The only thing I will say that you definitely SHOULD do as if you were home … TAKE YOUR TRASH WITH YOU AND THROW IT IN A PROPER RECEPTICAL!!  The train, bus, ferry, subway platform, sidewalk, or any other public space is NOT your personal trash can!  If you throw things in the proper place at home, do the same when out in public.  If you don’t I’m just going to assume that your home is probably a disgusting garbage dump! 

Ok, I’m done.  Now go out and behave like civilized people!!